Dear Mom and Dad,
Words can’t begin to describe how sorry I am. I’ve put you in a position that no parent should ever face. I left – before you. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. The natural order of things was skewed by my addiction. I can only imagine the agony you must be in. I know you’re angry, despairing and sad, all at the same time. If only you could reach back in time and pluck me from the path I’d chosen, but you can’t. You never could. God knows, you tried. I wasn’t completely oblivious, to all you did for me. I always believed I had time and the truth is – I was too dammed smart for my own good.
I underestimated the power of my disease.
I know you tried to tell me this. But I wouldn’t listen. After I began using drugs I became desensitised. I thought I was immortal. I liked living on the edge. I felt so alive! Drugs filled a place in me that nothing else could. With them I was King. Without them, I was just, well, me.
Maybe that was part of the problem.
I never did feel right, about being me. I always needed something more. I felt entitled to nice things. I wanted the best. I hated waiting for anything. When I wanted something, it was all I could think about – until I got it, and then, I wanted something else. There were times I felt guilty for the stress I created in our family. But it was fleeting. The burning need inside of me was greater than anything else. This need had no conscience, integrity, or morals.
This need – was my addiction.
I know I hurt you. I rejected your love. I rolled my eyes at you. I called you names. I stole from you. I lied to you. I avoided you and finally, I left you – for good.
I was so smug.
There wasn’t anything you could have said, or done, to prevent this from happening. I thought I knew it all. Death by overdose was something that happened to other people. Foolish people – people who didn’t know s*** about using. It wouldn’t to happen to me, no way, no how, not ever.
You begged me to stop. I tuned you out. Your words were like wasps in my ears. Although they stung, they were nothing more than an annoying buzz. When you cried, I cringed. When you put your arms around me, I wanted away from you.
And now – I want back.
But there is no back. There is only forward.
Please bring me forward.
Tell my story. Say my name. Have conversations with me. Include me in your celebrations. Rejoice in the time we had together. Cry, if you must, but not all the time. I know you’re sad. I know you miss me. I know you love me. I know you did your best. But you were never stronger than the disease of addiction, and sadly, neither was I.
Please don’t blame yourself, or me. It will only make things worse. We did the best we could. You must believe this. If you don’t, it will be like me dying all over again, each and every, day. We will all stay stuck and that would be a tragedy.
Take the love you have for me, and put it into the rest of our family. Every time you want to hug me, grab one of them. Then it will be like I’m part of the hug. Give us a great big squeeze and I promise, I’ll feel it – all the way up in heaven.
I hope you find peace in knowing I’m free, in a way, I never before was.
Up here, there is no addiction. There is only love.
The kind of love that is greater than any of us will ever know, below.
You might tell yourself that I am gone. But you’re wrong. I’m right here.
I’m the wind on your face, and the stars in the sky. I’m the raindrops, falling, outside your bedroom window. I’m the song of a bird, and the dawn of each new morning. I’m the clouds and the sun, and the waves in the ocean.
We will never truly be parted from one another. For love breathes life, even, in death.
I am flesh of your flesh.
Standstill – and you will feel me.
Love always, your child.
Lorelie Rozzano
www.jaggedlittleedges.com
marryanneDefoort
The poem letter from heaven has helped me forgive my son Joels death from an overdose at theage of 46. I miss his smiling face his wit and his intelligence and his ability to talk about anything any subject that anyone could bring up. Thank you for writing such a soul touching letter. He is missed so
painfully by his family. When I am so sad I read the poem.The poem sounds like he is talking t o me again. God Bless from Joels Mom Mary-anne
Lorelie
I like to think he is talking to you. Much love to you and your family <3
Lorelie
Much love to you, Mary-Anne
sandy
my Lydia 23 took her life on January 20 2016 I found her. life is Hell. I will never see her again. even when I die. she did not believe in God so I do not believe she is with God. this is my unbearable pain, and why I can’t wait until I die
backup
Sandy, I’m so sorry for your loss <3
Stacey
Lorelei, a friend sent this to me a few days after my beautiful son Bryce died at 28 of an overdose. These words have comforted me so much, thank you for them. We made copies of this and left them on a table by his pictures at his funeral for anyone to take❤
Lorelie
Hi Stacey,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son Bryce. Big hugs Mama. Much love.
Dayia
God bless you
Andrea
I just read this poem in the midst of my son’s addiction and my heart is so heavy right now. I know there is nothing that I can do and crying will not help, even though sometimes I just can’t stop. My heart is broken for my child, only 23 and so lost. I want to wrap my arms around him and take him to a safe place, but again, I know I cannot. I just pray that this monster will release my child and set him free.
jane
May we share this
Lorelie
Hi Jane, feel free to share with my name and website attached.
Alexis Pleus
Did you lose your son or daughter?
Lorelie
Hi Alexis, no I didn’t. I cam close once, but was very lucky. I’m in contact with many who did, however.
Mom
After writing, I read all of your posts. I will pray for all of you.
My son was lucky enough to get another chance, but what he does with it is up to him.
There comes a time when we have to leave it in God’s hands.
Mom
My son is an addict. I almost lost him after overdosing at least 10 times that I know of. The scariest was a year ago this month that I thought I lost him forever. His friends found him seconds from death. They rushed him to the hospital, he was barely breathing. When I got “the call” the doctors didn’t think he was going to make it. I had a 3 hour drive which took me an hour and a half to get to the hospital. They have him a 30% chance of surviving and if he did, a 50/50 chance of being brain dead. However, that did not stop him from this heroin addiction. My family, his friends, me… We all tried and tried to talk to him, but he would not listen. This poem hits home in so many ways.
He has been clean for a couple of months, but he is by far, not out of the woods yet. This is a life long battle. I sit and dread “the call” every passing day. He is 24 years old. I just lost a cousin to this who was 22.
My son lost his Dad when he was 12 and never grieved his loss. He is depressed and he feels alone, but he is not. I was the nieeve mom who was blind to his addiction. I enabled him, I coddled him, I gave him whatever he asked for… I did not know. Now I know. I denied it. I was in denial for a long time until that day I will never forget, the day the doctor told me to say good bye. Reality slapped me in the face. My eyes were wide open. The guilt flushed through my brain. I kept thinking, I helped him do this! I should have known better! Why didn’t I see this coming!!! I guess what I am trying to say is WAKE UP! This poem says it all. These feelings are true, what they are doing is very real, all of it. The sad thing is they really can’t stop on their own. And you cannot stop them. They need a wake up call. Take them to a funeral home and ask them to pick out the casket they want to be buried in. I asked my son how he wanted to be buried and to help me plan his funeral. Now he is on the vivitrol shot and is trying to stay clean. They really don’t want to die. The drug has a hold on them that is extremely difficult to break away from.
Very sad poem. I pray I never receive it from my son.
Lorelie
I pray you don’t either. Blessings to you and your son.
Nancy
This made me cry
I lost 2 friends to addiction with in the last Two month’s and I miss them so mush
I also have a son is so bad off,
Well this letter saids it all
I had to give him CPR twice I don’t even no how he is still here on earth that’s how bad off he is.we my husband and I had talk to him,try to stop him we did everything we can do we are so stress it’s like I know there’s nothing else I can do to make him stop make him listen to me
It’s almost like I’m done there’s nothing else I can do,I now feel helpless,hopeless and well I just don’t know what else to say
I do love my son so very much
Thank you for listening to me
Lorelie
Nancy if you want suggestions or support, or just to talk, please call this confidential support line for assistance. 1888 614-2379.
Pam
Thank you for writing this. I felt like it was directly from my son Christian to me. I know he hated to see me cry and probably still does…I am right now. I know I am not alone in my feelings. The parent or loved one of an addict has a tough truth to face initially and it only gets tougher. Thank you again. I feel him with me tonight as I read this. God Bless you, Pam
Bill Hyde
We lost our son Michael on 1/17/2010th…… Michael was addicted to HEROIN but at 24 he took his own life via sawed off shot gun…..
. When he came one night to our youngest son, he told him that he wasn’t shooting himself, he was sitting the person that the drug turned him into…..
. Michael said that he was at peace & happy again….. It gave Jason great closure since he never got to say good bye to his big brother…..
. This story from the Son that passed by drugs is excellent & helps bring some peace…. Thank you for posting!!!!
Patricia Clark
Thank you for this letter. Lost my 24 year old son Mitch on May 10th to an accidental heroin overdose. You have wrote what I feel my son would be saying to me. It has brought me some comfort during this terrible time.
Emilie
Wow
Cathy Rispoli
Thank you for all you are doing to help us. Addicts and all the people who love them dearly.
Janie Schane
Dear Barbara, this is true. He does not want you crying, although that is what we do. I am at year 10 and I still have my days. Mostly holidays, b-day and day his physical body passed. I am not saying it gets better, it just puts time between, their leaving and crossing over. If you believe anything I tell you at al, believe, he is still living……in heaven with God and Jesus. One day you will be together forever, at any time, this is God’s promise. Remember those who haven’t walked in our footsteps, can not know what we know. It is precious of them, but it seems to strike a cord in you when someone says they know how you feel and they can’t. all I can say is hld on, don’t let go of that knot at the end of your rope. Mine was my only son. Then I have a daughter, who has been on drugs 18 years now, still living. So we do not know God’s will. We have His PROMISE we will be together forever one day. That is what I hold on to. Then, sadly, you have to go thru this again with our grandchildren, so you have to stay strong. We can only help those who are willing to receive the help. We are not God, our love is not enough to save them, at some point they have to be responsible for their decisions, although we hope to help them thru these, sometimes we can’t. Praying for peace in your soul, Janie Luke Schane.