I never failed to be amazed, at how sick the family members of addicts/alcoholics become. If you didn’t know about addiction, you might think it was the person sticking needles in their arm, or drinking themselves to death, who had the problem.

But strangely enough, when you look behind the scenes at the world of addiction, the addict might be the least ‘sick’ of the bunch.

Addiction requires an enabling system ( yes, I know I sound like a parrot, but maybe if I say it enough times, enabling, enabling, enabling… the word just might be heard)

I speak with family members, who tell me, “I don’t want to upset them” That’s code for, “I don’t want to feel upset”

No more excuses people! Let’s just say it like it is. Enabling is a selfish, self-serving, behavior. It’s not about ‘helping’ the sick person get well. It’s about you avoiding confrontation, or uncomfortable feelings.

Enabling is also a form of using. When I say ‘yes’ I experience instant gratification, (euphoria) for long term misery.

Enablers focus on the addict or alcoholic, noting how much they have changed. They like feeling in control and often get a rush from ‘helping.’

An enabler’s illness progresses alongside the addiction, going through the same phases.

Phase One:

Enabler is upset about loved one’s behavior. They set rules and boundaries threatening to leave, (or ask your adult child to leave) if the alcoholic/addict repeats the behavior.

Phase Two:

Addict/Alcoholic repeats the behavior. Enabler, rants at addict/alcoholic, stating they are ‘ruining their life.” Enabler warns, if you do it again I will leave/you’ll be kicked out, for sure!

Phase Three:

Addict/Alcoholic repeats the behavior. Enabler doesn’t leave, or kick them out. Rather they grow more bitter and resentful over time, living in what they once said they would not. They are obsessed with addict/alcoholic to the cost of all other relationships. Their emotional well being is firmly entrenched with the addict. If the addict is okay, they are too. Enablers are by this time, defending the abusive, dishonest, manipulative behavior exhibited by the ‘sick’ one.

Enablers adopt the same essential symptoms as the addict. It becomes habitual for them to minimize, justify, rationalize, deflect, avoid, isolate, blame, excuse, (and tolerate abusive behavior) deny, be in self-pity, and continue the endless cycle of delusional attempts at ‘helping.’

Both enabler and addict have lost the ability to be honest, or see themselves with any clarity. Both will be angered when confronted on their behavior.

Some enablers spend their whole lives waiting for the other person to change.

Enablers can experience weight loss/gain, high blood pressure, ulcers, headaches, migraines, insomnia, depression, heart disease and stroke. Many enablers will become workaholics, shopaholics, or develop a relationship with prescription medications, or alcohol, themselves.

Enablers, to put it bluntly, can love their addict to death.