One of the biggest gifts I’ve received in sobriety is the ability to feel. Everything. And one thing I’ve learned along the way, for sure, is that addiction, or the families response to it, is all about not feeling.

And this is where we start to go terribly wrong.

It really hurts to be involved with addiction, or depression, or divorce, or family members who suffer with mental health issues.

When we avoid our feelings, we end up responding in other manners.

With addiction, those of us who won’t feel, enable or use.

Enabling is all about avoiding uncomfortable emotions. So is addiction.

See if I don’t enable I’m left with the what ifs.

What if I say no and he/she gets mad at me?

What if he/she goes hungry?

What if he/she gets evicted?

What if he/she ends up on the street?

The what ifs are emotionally uncomfortable, leaving us with anxiety, worry, stress, fear, and guilt. Without a support system and the abilty to debrief these feelings, we simply act them out. We say yes, when we know its not helping. We may kid ourselves, “I’m just helping my son/daughter/grandchild/spouse.” But what we’re really doing, is every bit as selfish as what the addict or alcoholic does. The truth is, when I enable it’s a self-serving motive. I know giving more money isn’t the right thing to do. I haven’t completely lost touch with reality, but I don’t want to admit it. Just like you. You deny you have a drinking problem. I deny I’m an enabler. And yet it’s me you come to every time. And that’s because you can count on one thing for sure. My no becomes a yes. Not because I’m helping you. I really hate it when you manipulate me. It’s just, when I say no, the guilt and what ifs kick in causing pain and it’s easier to say yes than feel the pain. My dis-ease lessons, bringing instantaneous relief. It’s the same thing as when you take a drink. Pretty soon, I develop the same essential symptoms of addiction as you. Rationalizing, justifying, blaming, excuses, alibis, keeping secrets, pointing fingers, etc. My life begins spinning out of control along with yours, and in order to continue enabling my thinking becomes every bit as impaired as yours. Now we have two impaired mind sets trying to think their way out of this. You know where that’s headed!

See me saying yes, is really about me feeling better. It has nothing to do with you.

For me there came a a defining moment. It was in the winter of 1997. It was cold and snowing. My life was coming apart at the seems. I had lost my job, my family and my home. My crack pipe was a constant companion, and my most significant love. Of course had you asked me back then I would have told you it was my kids who were my biggest love. But my words certainly didn’t match my actions. My actions showed the truth of my addiction.

Clue. When involved with addiction don’t get caught up in the words. Addicts and alcoholics lie. Not only do they lie, they manipulate and twist your words. It’s nothing personal, it’s not like they’re trying to hurt you. They just want what they want (booze, drugs, money) and they want it now. If you wonder – am I being lied to – pay attention to the behavior, don’t listen to their words. If it seems like there is one crisis after another and the addict is never to blame, I can guarantee it, you are being lied to. Start trusting your intuition and quit playing the wishful thinking game.

Anyhow, back to the winter night in 97. Like I said it was snowing. I was broke, my boyfriend had finally had enough of my insanity and left. We were late in the rent and being evicted. The land lord was pounding on our door every ten minutes. I couldn’t cope with any of this and decided to take my sleeping bag and crack pipe into the alley across the street. I found a ramp for off-loading furniture into a furniture store and underneath it a hollowed-out little area. I quickly claimed this somewhat dry, tiny cement shelter and un-rolled my sleeping bag snuggling in for the night.

Thank God, I experienced that night.

You see when it’s just you and your crack pipe, in a dark alleyway, in the middle of winter, you have a lot of time to think. Nothing distracts you.

It became very clear, as I rocked back and forth holding tightly to myself. I couldn’t kid myself any longer.

I was a drug addict. Oh my God.

Sometimes, when there’s no-one to talk to and you’re really scared, you talk to God. I did that night. And when the morning light shone into my little cubby-hole I emerged. Broken and victorious.

See, with out that night, I think I’d be dead, or worse, still living a pathetic, parody of life, hurting everyone I love and came into contact with.

For me, I don’t fear death, but I sure fear living like that again.

Since then I understand our pain is also our teacher, our blessing, and our truth.

Back then, if someone would have told me one day you’re going to be sober, I’d have probably laughed. If they’d gone on to say, “you’re going to see your grandchildren born, and watch them take their first breath. Your joy will be so profound it has no words, and your awe so enormous, it begins to fill in all the missing pieces with-in you. You will work in the field of addiction helping other people get well. You will write books and carry the message and speak of hope and endless possibilities,” well, quite frankly I probably would have asked them what they were using and could I have some.

Standing in the dark shadow of addiction it’s hard to see the light. But it’s there. Always.

Your emotional discomfort is also your gift. When you avoid the pain you enable the problem. When you face the pain you live in the solution.

You know it’s really quite simple. 

Face your pain and find your purpose.