Tomorrow is New Years Eve.
For me it used to signify drinking, drugging and partying-all night long.
On this was one night, I wasn’t alone, either.
It seemed everyone I partied with had the same idea.
Getting wasted was what New Years Eve was all about.
The ritual was amazing!
I would plan what I wore, where I would go, who I’d go with, how much I would drink, and how much coke I’d buy.
It was a practical plan.
New Years Eve requires staying up late, and the white powder really helped to get the party started.
I won’t tell you it wasn’t fun.
Because it was. Sort of…
It was the kind of fun that was over the top.
Everything was, well, easier.
Like flirting with someone’s husband.
Or driving while impaired.
Or spending the rent money on more coke.
Or having sex with someone you barely knew.
A runny nose replaced all inhibitions.
Trouble was, I couldn’t stay at the party forever.
Time moves on whether I wanted it to or not.
And sure as shit, when the sun comes up…
I come down.
Crashing down.
I`ll never forget the shame.
Some of you might recall it.
Heavy. Suffocating. Demoralising.
It whispers words into the quiet of your soul.
Words like, loser and fuck up.
The agony of living like this is unbearable.
Your skin doesn’t fit.
You’re afraid to live.
You’re afraid to die.
You can’t imagine your life without using.
Yet the dope is killing you and tearing your family apart.
This is what it comes down too.
When you’re addicted you reach a point where you can’t have one, without the other.
Consequences.
If I pick up, I don’t just pick up fun, I pick up all the rest.
I pick up suicidal thoughts and heartbreak.
I pick up a killer shame that is so suffocating, I can barely breathe.
If you’re newly sober, and find yourself triggered this New Year,
play the tape all the way through.
Yes, you’ll have fun – at first. Then you’ll have more. More, more, more.
With each new bag, you’ll get sicker and sicker.
Truth be told, to keep using you must kill your soul.
Wake up the dragon, and he might slay you.
I wouldn’t trade the life I have today, for a line of cocaine, or a hit off my crack pipe.
But then again, cocaine is not my idea of a good time anymore.
Getting high is my idea of hell. I’ve already been there, and I don’t want to go back.
This New Years Eve, I’m spending it with the people I love.
I will sing and dance, and get silly.
I’ll beat the sun to bed and wake up with a smile on my face.
If you’re thinking you can’t have a good time without booze and drugs, you’re wrong.
Recovering addicts can really rock a party too!
Be safe out there and stay clean, I hear 2017 is going to be a great year.
Happy New Year!