Those of us who struggle with addiction, are masters at manipulating. As a child growing up in an alcoholic home, I earned my degree in the art of manipulation. It was my job – at least I thought it was and I took it on – to keep the peace in my family. When there was peace in our home, I wasn’t anxious. Placating the alcoholic became my main goal. As long as he was happy, we were all okay. I learned to read body language, and developed the skill set to say and do, whatever needed doing. There was only one goal –  ease the tension!

If you’re in an alcoholic/addicted home, you know what I mean. We learn to breathe form our throats. Our chests become tight bands of stress and we get stiff shoulders and sore jaws.

The physical symptoms of addiction are often the same for the family members. The addict acts out their feelings. The family, holds theirs in.

Life revolves around meeting the needs of the addict. This couldn’t work any better for addiction. As a matter of fact, without help, the addict can’t stay sick.

When I crossed the line into addiction myself, I was already well prepared. I could lay the charm on like nobodies businesses. I would gaze into your eyes and make you think you were the center of my world. And you were… until you got in the way of my using.

When that happened, all hell would break lose!

What I’m about to tell you, is something that any actively using addict, won’t.

Our primary relationship is with our DOC (drug of choice) We lie, cheat and steal. We look you in the eye and play on your heartstrings. We use your feelings to our advantage. I lied daily, to my children, my parents, my spouse, my friends and co-workers. Lying became a lifestyle. I was really good at it. Addicts make you believe their lies. Sometimes we even believe them, ourselves! We will bully and belittle you. But mostly, we manipulate you.

Below are the tell-tale signs that you’re being manipulated.

• Are your words being used against you? For instance when you say no, are you being accused of not being loving enough?
• Does your addict tell you something and then later on tell you they never said it?
• When you try to address your concerns with your addict, do they turn the tables by talking about your problems? Example. You think I have a problem! Have you looked in the mirror lately? Everybody knows you’re a control freak!
• Does your addict ask you to keep secrets.? The strange thing is, you might be flattered by this. You may even feel closer to them, than to anyone else.
• Do they play the guilt game with you? Are you being pressured into doing things that you don’t want to do? Example if you really loved me, you’d  do it for me.
• Addicts who manipulate will threaten to harm themselves, or you. Or they may threaten that someone else will harm them, if you don’t give into their requests. Are you being held as an emotional hostage?
• You may find you feel inadequate, depressed and sick with worry.  As if somehow their problem is your fault!
• Are you being asked to do things that are against the law, or your own personal morals?
• A tool that manipulators use, is to punish you with silence. Do you get the silent treatment when you’re not complying with their wishes?
• When addicts manipulate they keep at you, wearing you down to the point of exhaustion. You may even be questioning your sanity.
• Manipulators are good at the blame game and feeling sorry for themselves. They often use tears as a way to elicit sympathy. They may lack empathy and not be capable of remorse.
• Manipulators play the victim. Do you ever feel like you need to protect him/her from other family members?
• Have you ever wondered if you’re being manipulated?
• Are you being rushed? Does your addict want everything, right now?

Being in a relationship with a manipulating addict, is a little like watching a snake charmer. It’s easy to become hypnotized, falling deeper and deeper under their spell.

A snake charmers sole purpose is to hypnotize his audience. So is a manipulating addict’s!

If you’ve related to some of the signs above. Don’t despair. The good news is you’re not crazy. Once you know you’re being manipulated, it gets easier to identify the signs.

You might not be able to stop the act, but you don’t have to sit in the audience any longer.

If you find you’re unable to move. You might have been bitten by the snake. If this happens reach out. Get help immediately! There are resources in your community.

Overcoming any illness is difficult. But when you’ve fallen victim to manipulation it can be a long road back. You’re probably feeling unsure and second-guessing your every move.

This is normal. It’s important to find people who are safe, and who will validate and respect your feelings.

Addiction…

If you’re unwilling to change, don’t expect the snake too.