“The Moth don’t care when he sees The Flame.
He might get burned, but he’s in the game.
And once he’s in, he can’t go back, he’ll
Beat his wings ’til he burns them black…
No, The Moth don’t care when he sees The Flame. . .
The Moth don’t care if The Flame is real,
‘Cause Flame and Moth got a sweetheart deal.
And nothing fuels a good flirtation,
Like Need and Anger and Desperation…
No, The Moth don’t care if The Flame is real. . . ”
― Aimee Mann

Addiction is a multifaceted illness. One in which has very little to do with the substance one is using.
I find there are 4 questions which keep coming up, with regards to addiction.

1) What is addiction? Answer – Any mood altering substance, or experience, that has life damaging consequences.

As you may know addiction is NOT about how much you use, or what you use, or even how often you use. Some folks only use once a year, but when they use/drink/binge/purge/shop/act out sexually/gamble/steal/cut/etc… the consequences are brutal. Life damaging consequences mean, your marriage is in trouble, or your finances are in trouble, or your job is in trouble, or your relationships are in trouble, or your health is in trouble, or you’re no longer capable of telling the truth, or you’re in trouble with the law, or your life has no quality, or all of the above, etc….

2) How does addiction thrive? Answer- Plain and simple, it can’t, not without an enabling system. Addicts/Alcoholics who are left to experience the consequence of the choices they make, almost always choose to do something about the problem. A few won’t, but the vast majority will. Unless the consequences are greater than the rewards, most will not stop using.

3) What is an enabling system? A person, or persons, usually a family member, who takes care of and fixes, all the problems of the addict/alcoholic.

No family member or friend intentionally sets out to hep the addict/alcoholic/user stay sick. Just as addiction progresses over the years, so does the family’s illness. Families learn to tolerate abusive behavior. They can deny their own emotional and financial needs. Spouses may turn on each other, blaming the child’s addiction on ‘poor parenting’ rather than allowing the child/adult to experience the consequences, Families develop the same symptoms as the addict/alcoholic.Denial progresses to delusion over time. Delusion is a sincere belief that in spite of all the mounting evidence, ‘there is nothing wrong here.’ Simply put, families adjust to the needs of the ‘sick person’ then they re-adjust and finally mal-adjust. By this time we have a very sick family. The families behavior is unhealthy, any communication may come in violent out-bursts, or long periods of silence. Secrecy is the norm. Sides are picked. Lies are told. Conversations are clothed in blame and resentment. The only person getting their needs met in this family system, is the addict. 

4) Why would family members choose to help the alcoholic/addict stay sick? A– Because just like the alcoholic/addict, they feel better when they do.

Recovery requires an honest look at ourselves. Addiction is not a singular illness, but rather a family illness. Unless the entire family system is willing to look at the roles they play and their part in the problem, chances are slim anything will change. Without a support system, ( family members can not be your support system) it’s impossible to see ourselves as we truly are when it comes to addiction. Addiction is an emotional, psychological, cognitive and behavioral illness. Families enable because it feels good. I’ll give you an example.

My son has just phoned me wanting money. I promised my husband I wouldn’t give him any more money, so I say no. My son pleads with me. I feel anxious and concerned. It’s very upsetting for me to hear my son in distress. My NO waffles and my son can hear it. His pleas turn frantic. Now he’s starving, the dope dealers are going to kill him and he’ll be living on the streets. My anxiety turns to panic strangling my throat and constricting my airway. My heart accelerates. I think about my promise to my husband, but the momentary discomfort I feel is far stronger than any promises I made previously. “Please Mom, please mom, just this one time!” My hand shakes on the phone and my mind races. ‘Mom, you gotta! They’re going to kill me! or Mom, please, I’m starving to death! I won’t tell Dad.” Without support you’re going to cave. No one likes to feel these intense overwhelming emotions. One word can stop it. Just one word/drink, can make it all go away. So you say yes, but in the back of your mind you know. In order to make yourself feel better you justify and rationalize your behavior. A temporary fix for a longer term problem.

Like it or not, you are part of the problem. Without recognition, this condition worsens. You are literally loving your addict to DEATH. But don’t kid yourself, this isn’t about helping them. This is all about you getting your (fix) needs met and feeling better.

If you love someone suffering from this illness, the most important thing you can do for them, is to help yourself. By getting a support system in place, for the rocky road that is sure to follow when you quit enabling, you can learn to hit the pause button.

Quick fixes only work to enable addiction. Addiction is a progressive and terminal disease. Learn to be a part of the solution.

Don’t wait for someone else to become well. Show them how.

Somebody has to make the choice.

Will you?