Do you ever feel like you have a little child within you? A scared little girl or boy, curled up in a ball, somewhere deep down. One who’s afraid?
Those of us who have experienced addiction, either growing up in an alcoholic family, loving an addict, or being one, know how to run like hell from feelings. Things is, we don’t know we’re avoiding our emotions. We tend to believe we are feeling them. But what we are really doing, is reacting to them. Chances are, we might even believe we feel other people’s emotions. We don’t. It’s impossible to feel another persons feelings. I can empathise, but those are still MY emotions. Many of us have an over-developed sense of responsibility, which works well with an addicts learned neediness and dependence.
If you can’t say no, if you can’t ask for help, if you say yes, when you want to say no, and you’re not running for the ‘doormat of the year award,’ what you’re doing, is avoiding emotional discomfort.
There’s no law that says you have to ‘feel’ your feelings. Nobody ever told me growing up that feelings were a necessary business to being emotionally healthy. I viewed emotions as messy and something, quite frankly, I was ashamed of.
You can imagine my amazement upon learning feelings were part of our human condition, and that they weren’t good or bad, but rather, comfortable and uncomfortable.
As an addict I LOVED feeling good. That was my goal. FEEL GOOD, all the time!
Trouble was, there’s no reality in that type of mindset. Besides, my idea of feel good, was actually what you might describe as ‘wasted.’
Strangely enough, getting sober was the easy part. Growing up emotionally, now that was work!
So how do you know if you’re emotionally immature? Here are a few classic signs.
If you’ve ever felt resentful after saying yes. You grit your teeth and roll your eyes and ‘git er done.’
If you’ve ever avoided answering the phone because you know the person on the other end is going to ask you a ‘favour.’
If you’re the ‘go to’ person every time someone needs help, yet when you need it, you can’t ask.
If you say no and then yes, because the guilt you experience for saying no is more uncomfortable, than the resentment you feel when saying yes.
If you feel like a victim and get mad (but don’t tell them) that people keep asking you to do things, when they should know better.
These are just a few signs. If you can relate to any, good news you’re not alone.
I have them all and then some!
But don’t despair. We can grow our emotional age to our chronological age, fairly easy. Well, sort of.
Growing up emotionally means we tell our truth. Sorry I can’t help you, I’m tired. Or, I scheduled some R and R time. I’m having a ME day.
Can you imagine? I’m having a ME day. Has a nice ring to it doesn’t it?
Yes, you will feel guilt. No, it won’t kill you. Yes, it will get easier. I promise.
When we stop avoiding our emotions, we stop enabling others. We don’t need to self-medicate by using, eating, spending, working, doing for others what they need to be doing for themselves, or all the other ways we self-sabotage.
Resentment and exhaustion disappear to be replaced with energy and self-worth, and honestly, we’re a lot more fun to hang out with!
Try it. Say no. Feel the guilt and say no anyway. Otherwise the little person that cowers within, will stay. She can never go out and play. She will need to remain ‘on guard’ and hyper-vigilant until an adult who is emotionally safe, comes to her rescue. She, is you, and she waits within.
Wrap your arms around her, tell her you’ll meet her at the playground. Let her know it’s okay to be afraid… and go for it!