I NEED to Enable.

I am not your friend. I’m your mother, and I’ve changed. I don’t belong to me any more. I don’t care about me. Not in the way I used too. I care about you. I WANT you. I will do ANYTHING for you. I LOVE you. I NEED you… And I will step over anyone who gets in my way. When I look at you, I don’t see YOU. I see my little boy. You have no money. I do. End of story. I don’t care if I can’t pay the rent. I don’t care if I need groceries. I don’t care if I promised I wouldn’t give you money again. I don’t care if I lie to Dad. I don’t care if I’m broke. I’ll sell my rings, take a loan, sell my electronics, max out my credit cards, or borrow the money from someone else, because if I don’t, you’ll STEAL it. I WILL find a way to get you what you need. I think I can CHANGE you, or SAVE you. Am I WRONG? Something cold and dead slithers within me. I no longer respond to the rest of my family. I CRY all the time. You don’t care. You have no integrity or values. My morals are a thing of the past. I will say anything, do anything, and hurt anyone, to help you feel better. Although I may play the game with you, make no mistake. I don’t play it because I want to. I play it because I NEED to please you. I’ll say whatever you want to hear, I will promise you the world, I will look you in the eyes, and you WILL break my heart, over and over again. You don’t have a heart any more. You have a HUNGER. It’s calculating and manipulative, and it OWNS me. In a strange way I’m thankful for this hunger. For when you need something, you find me, quick! Then when you’ve gotten what you want from me, you leave. I’m anxious without you. I offer to buy your food, or pay your rent. I always GIVE you something. By now, my NEED is almost as great as yours. You can’t stay SICK without me. I can’t breathe without YOU. I think I’m helping you. I believe I’m making a difference, but what I’m really helping… is your ADDICTION. You won’t tell me this, but I know it, deep down. If we keep going like this, one or both of us will die. You from an overdose that I paid for, and me from a heart attack, or stroke. I’ll wait YEARS for you to change, or see the light, and you take full advantage of this. I keep your secrets and protect your lies. I clean up your messes and bail you out. I love you to the exclusion of EVERYONE else. I’ve become bitter and resentful. I hide from my friends and isolate. I HATE. My world revolves around one thing only… YOU! But will my LOVE ever become greater than my FEAR? Will I be strong enough to reach out for help? Will I learn to say NO? Will I allow you to experience the consequences of your actions? Will I LOVE you enough to feel my own GUILT and stop enabling your ADDICTION? I lay trapped within the confines of this cold dark, codependent – addiction, and I am… DYING.