I’m lucky to work in a treatment centre where I get to see first-hand what happens to addicts when they use. With a little time in, it’s easy to forget the devastation addiction has caused. There are days I still wish I could use. I’d like to feel the buzz again and be more sociable. Although I enjoy the solitude and quiet in my sobriety. I must confess, there are times I am envious of those ‘normies’ who can drink their faces off, and then put it down. Sometimes I miss the chaotic, crazy parties. Not to mention the flirting and gossip and the sense of belonging, that is falsified, by copious amounts of liquid courage. Sounds good eh? Trouble is, my buzz comes with a whole bunch of shit that I don’t want. For me they don’t come separate. I pick up the buzz, I pick up the shit. A few hours of buzz and it wears off. The shame doesn’t. Now I’m back to being a big fat loser. One that just broke a bunch of hearts. That’s if I’m lucky. Many of us pick up the buzz, and end up dead. If you’re missing the buzz, it’s normal. Play the tape through. Don’t stop at the buzz, because you can’t stay buzzed forever. We all have another relapse in us. Sometimes I can feel it, hiding, in the dark recesses of my mind, whispering. It whispers of suspicions and complaints and lies. Restless, irritable and discontent, come to mind. God this illness is cunning. But mostly, it’s patient.
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