I NEED you clean. A wife’s perspective.

I am not your child, or parent, or friend. I’m your wife and I’ve changed. I don’t belong to me any more. I don’t care about me. Not in the way I used too. I care about you, and getting you clean. I WANT you clean. I will do ANYTHING to get you clean. I LOVE you. I NEED you.. and I will step over anyone to help YOU. When I look at you, I don’t see the man I married. I see a man who consumes me. You used to have money. Now it’s me who supports us. End of story. I’m furious when you can’t pay the rent. You don’t care if we need groceries. You don’t care if I promised I wouldn’t give you money again. You don’t care if I’m broke. You sell my rings, leave me to pay the loans, sell my electronics, max out my credit cards. You ask me to borrow money from our family members. If I don’t get you the money, you will STEAL it. You WILL find a way to get HIGH. I think I can CHANGE you, or SAVE you. But I’m WRONG! Something cold and dead slithers within you. You no longer respond to love or truth. I can CRY all I want. You don’t care. You have no integrity or values. Your morals are a thing of the past. You will say anything, do anything, and hurt anyone, to get your next FIX.
Although I may play the game with you, make no mistake. I don’t play it because I LOVE you, I play it because I want to keep the peace. I’ll say what ever you want to hear, to keep you home with me. You promise me the world, look me in the eyes, and break my heart. Over and over again. I don’t have a heart any more. It’s been broken too many times. It’s a shrivelled little parody of what it once was, and now, you OWN it.
In a strange way we need each other. For when I’m frustrated I take it out on you. Then when I’ve had my say, I feel guilty.
I’m anxious without you. I phone you and check up on you. You make PROMISES you NEVER keep.
By now, my NEED is almost as great as yours.
You can’t stay SICK without me. I can’t breath without you.
I think I’m helping you. I believe I’m making a difference, but what I’m really helping – is your ADDICTION.
You won’t tell me this, but I know it, deep down.
If we keep going like this, one or both of us will die. You from an overdose, that I paid for, and me from a heart attack, or stroke.
I’ve wasted YEARS waiting for you to change, or see the light, and you take full advantage of it.
I keep your secrets and protect your lies. I clean up your messes and bail you out.
I love you to the exclusion of EVERYONE else.
I’ve become bitter and resentful. I hide from my friends and isolate. I HATE you sometimes.
My world revolves around one thing only… YOU.
Will my LOVE ever become greater than my FEAR? Would I be strong enough to reach out for help? Will I learn to say NO? Will I allow you to experience the consequences of your actions? Will I ever leave you? Will I LOVE me enough to feel my OWN discomfort and stop enabling your ADDICTION?
I promised ’till death do us part,’ but I didn’t mean this!
I lay trapped within the confines of this cold sick, loveless marriage, and I am, dying…