new year
Tomorrow is New Years Eve. A day I used to look forward too, all year.
For me it signified drinking, drugging and partying, all night long.
It was kind of like a ‘get out of jail card, free’
For this was one night, I wasn’t alone.
It seemed everyone I partied with had the same idea.
Getting wasted was what New Years Eve was all about.
We would plan what we would wear, and where we would go, and how much booze we would bring with us, and of course,
there was the cocaine.
After all, you almost NEEDED it. New Years Eve requires staying up late, and the white powder really helped to get a party started.
I won’t tell you it wasn’t fun.
Because it was. Sort of…
It was the kind of fun that was over the top.
Everything was, well, easier.
Like flirting with someone else’s husband. Or driving while impaired. Or spending the rent money on more coke. Or having sex with someone you barely knew.
Inhibitions were replaced by runny noses.
Trouble was, you can`t stay at the party forever.
Time moves on whether we want it to or not.
And sure as shit, when the sun comes up…..
We come down.
Crashing down,
For me, there came a point, when the crash just wasn`t worth it anymore.
I`ll never forget the shame.
Some of you might recall it.
It`s heavy and suffocating. Demoralizing. It whispers words into the quiet of your soul.
‘You’re a loser, and a fuck up.’
The agony of living like this grows unbearable.
Your skin doesn’t fit.
You’re afraid to live.
You’re afraid to die.
You can’t imagine your life without using. You will never have fun again
Yet using is killing you and tearing your family apart.
This is what it comes down too.
We reach a point where we cant have one, without the other.
If I pick up, I don’t just pick up fun, I pick up all the rest.
I pick up the suicidal thoughts and heartbreak, and a shame that is so suffocating, I can barely breathe.
If New Years Eve is a trigger for you, play the tape all the way through.
I do.
I wouldn’t trade the life I have today, for a line of cocaine.
But then again, cocaine is not my idea of a good time anymore.
Using, is my idea of hell. I’ve already been there, and I don’t want to go back.
This New Years Eve, I’m spending it with the people I love,
I will dance, and laugh, and get silly.
Then beat the sun to bed and wake up with a smile on my face.
If you’re thinking you can’t have a good time without booze and drugs, you’re wrong.
Hope can really get a party started too.
I wish you all a safe and sober New Years.
Happy 2014,
See you next year!

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