I just found a song “I fell in love in rehab.” Now this is a song I can relate too. Maybe you can too.

It was 1991 and I was in Detox for chronic cocaine use. Of course my problem wasn’t as ‘bad’ as all the others in this place. No way. I wasn’t anything like them!

As soon as I could I scarfed down a meal, I was around 100lbs and lookin hot. At least I believed so. The Jenny crack diet is certain to make those stubborn pounds melt away. I stuffed myself, gorging. If I remember correctly I hadn’t eaten for a few days previous. Then with a full stomach I went to bed. Afternoon slipped into evening, then evening to morn, finally mid afternoon one of the staff woke me insisting I get up. Honestly I could have slept another day. My body wasn’t only starving it was exhausted too.

I got out of bed on shaky legs. I needed a cigarette in the worst way, and I would have killed for a line of coke.

I was steered outside to the smoking area when I first set eyes on him. Blonde, tall, gorgeous green eyes, he was clad in jeans a big white-toothed smile.

BA BOOM! I felt it. WOW!

Who is that?

I remember the rush I felt just looking at him, and my heart was racing every bit as fast as if I`d done a line. He turned to me and asked, `Do you work here?

Seriously! That was all I needed. See I told you, I don`t look like a drug addict!

We must have smoked a whole pack of cigarettes there. Just the two of us, chain smoking one after another. Before long more than just chain smoking was taking place.

He was due to leave the next day. I still had a week to go.

Only I never made the week. I left the next day too. Me, and the love of my life, walked out of the door together, hand in hand, despite all the warnings.

Hell what did they know?

Apparently, a lot more than we did. It started to go horribly wrong fast.

He was detoxing from heroin. I`d missed the messy part but I was about to get a preview. To say we were dysfunctional would be an understatement.

Just to re-cap I left detox and moved in with a complete stranger all in one day, a stranger who just happened to be physically gorgeous and emotionally damaged. Damaged, beyond anything I’d ever seen.

The two of us, broken individuals, trying to find salvation in one another.

Reality check. I’d just made a bad situation horrendous.

I wont go into details. It was bloody (mine) abusive (both) and we relapsed immediately.

I can’t believe it now. Sad.

And I was the lucky one.

He never did get sober, and one day I got the call. My Detox love had taken his own life. You see it wasn’t his first kick at the can. He tried detox many times. And back then we didn’t have as many options.

He always told me he’d do it. I never really believed him. We all say shit when we’re high. But I knew he was tormented and in ways I wasn’t.

Many years later and working in the field of Mental Health and Addiction, I’m sure should he have gone to treatment today, he may have been diagnosed bi-polar and put on appropriate medication.

But none of us knew that back then. We thought we were invincible but what we really were was very, very sick.

I saw this song and thought of him. God I wish it could have been different. I believe he is at peace now.

And because he can’t speak for himself.

I’ll speak for him.

“If you’re new in rehab, detox or recovery, what ever you do, don’t fall in love. For love doesn’t end in death, but addiction will. If just one person hears this and lives because of it, maybe my death will have meaning. God I hope so.”

And to you my friend, I make a final amend, may you find in heaven, what you sought so desperately here on earth.
Rest in peace.

(c) 2014 Jagged Little Edges All Rights Reserved

1 comment

  1. WOW…..What a post my girl!! Sad to, that was the 1st thing I heard when I went into the Crisis center and treatment program… need to wait a Year before your even close to having a relationship with anyone! Thank goodness I was Married!! Hugs! Catherine

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