CHAPTER FORTY

Miranda clicked off the TV, to restless to sit still any longer. Incessant mind chatter plagued her thinking, leaving an ominous dread in the pit of her stomach. The finger nail she’d been gnawing on was wet and shriveled as she wiped it on her jeans. Why had she agreed to this? At least the Tylenol helped, a little. Dinner with the family wasn’t something she looked forward to. Not at all, but when her mom called she couldn’t think of a way to say no.

The blush brush stopped in mid air, as she pictured it. She could already see them. Her family, sitting around the table as they asked a million questions about her life. Her brother would be there with his wife and kids, her Mom and Dad in their usual chairs, and her, the odd man out.

  Miranda sighed, might as well get this over with and adding an extra touch of color to her cheeks took a final look in the mirror. Her reflection stared back. Miranda cringed. Big pouches of flesh sagged below her eyes, leaving her looking tired and changed. Hopefully they wouldn’t notice.

 Purse in hand she debated walking, but it was just too far. It would have been nice to clear her head though, it was still a little foggy. If she felt this awful what about Lisa? The caring thing to do would have been to call, but she really wasn’t into talking with anyone today.

 Let the performance begin. Fingers crossed her acting skills weren’t to rusty, Miranda prepared for the performance of a life time. She was going to act as if… Life is great, the job is good, I’m fine, all is well. With her mother’s eagle-eye it wouldn’t be easy. Miranda pulled into the old familiar driveway. Her brother’s van was parked in front. It was silver and grey two-tone and looking at it she shuddered, remembering when her brother owned a Harley and a jacked up pick-up truck. They’d been close in those days always conspiring against their parents. They were rebels, each with their own dreams about how to live free and independent of society’s rules. They laughed at their parents, with their self imposed bars, vowing they’d never end up like them.

 Miranda shook her head looking at the minivan. Two cars seats sat behind the driver’s seat.  A minivan, never in her wildest dreams did she see that one coming. Her brother had bought into the great North American dream. A wife, a home, two kids, a dog and a god dam minivan. He was exactly like her parents, and now they all wanted her to be just like them.

 As she opened the front door delicious dinner smells greeted her entrance. Her mouth watered and her stomach rumbled. Her mom was a good cook. It smelled like she prepared one of Miranda’s favorites. Roast beef and children’s laughter mingled in the air. This house represented so very much of her life. For a moment she stood in the hallway blinking, trying to clear the tears, overcome by the sudden onslaught of emotion stepping through the front door brought with it.

 She’d grown up in this home, her bedroom just up the staircase. Countless hours were spent imaging her life when she moved out. Certain she’d be a rock star, or an executive with an important title. Maybe she’d be a nurse, or a doctor, or a veterinarian. For sure she’d be a humanitarian making a difference, travelling to third world countries and volunteering her services. Of course she would be confident and smart. The possibilities were endless; she could be anything she wanted.

 And she hadn’t doubted herself for one second. She looked longingly at the staircase. If only she could go back. Start over. Climb the stairs and go back to her room, back five or ten years.

 “Hi sweetie, I didn’t hear you coming in.”

 Miranda startled looking up from the life she hadn’t lived. “Oh hi mom, I was just coming to find you.”

  Her mom looked closely at her. “You look tired, is everything all right?”

  Oh oh, here we go. “Of course, I’m just feeling a little under the weather.”

  ‘Well then, come with me. What you need is a good home cooked meal.” She said, wrapping her arm around Miranda and steering her into the heart of the house, the kitchen.

  Miranda’s mother believed a good home cooked meal solved any troubles and the love she carried within her heart, she put into her cooking. The results were always mouth watering.

  In the kitchen Miranda spied her four year old nephew Toby, pushing his truck around the floor. Vroom, vroom he said, making truck noises as he ran over the feet of any who happened to be in his way.

Tucked in a corner was his two year old sister Emily. Emily was busy eating in her high chair. As usual, their was more food on her face, than in her mouth. When she saw Miranda she gave her a big, messy-mouthed grin and waving her chubby little hands in the air cried, “Randa, Randa in her high pitched squeal.

Her brother shot her a dirty look. “Please Miranda we’re trying to get her to eat her dinner.”

 Biting back a swear word Miranda replied sarcastically “and hello to you too.”

 Her brother barely acknowledged her presence, so focused was he on his youngest not making a mess and eating every crumb.

 What happened to you and who stole my brother? But she already knew the answer to that question. Her brother met Marley and forgot everything, and everyone, else. He changed from a free spirited ‘go get em type of guy’, to a love sick puppy. He followed Marley around twenty four seven and even adopted Marley’s beliefs and lifestyles. They got married and the rest was history. Her brother was just a memory, except for an odd glance from time to time.

 For something to do she poured a glass of water and looking at her mother asked, “Can I do anything to help?” If she appeared busy maybe she could avoid the conversation sure to follow at the round table.

  Her mother smiled shaking her head. “No Miranda it’s all done. Just sit and visit please.” She said waving her hand at the vacant chair.

  Her brother, eyeing her water glass, shot her another dirty look. “Thirsty?” He quizzed. He very much disapproved of her life style and wasn’t shy about voicing his opinion.

 Her mother spoke for her. “She’s a little under the weather Vince. Leave her alone.” She said stepping into an old familiar role.

  ‘Ya right!” He said, eyeing Miranda and snorting. “What you got the flu? Probably the twenty four hour kind,” He laughed apparently amused by his wit.

  Marley came to her rescue, looking at Vince she frowned saying, “knock it off Vinny.”

  The smirk on Vince’s face instantly disappeared to be followed by one of hurt. “I was just kidding. Can’t anyone take a joke?” He complained.

 Toby roared over her foot stomping her toes. “Vroom, vroom,” He shouted.

  Emily copied with her own version, “rmmm,” she said squirting a mouthful of peas into the air.

 Vince’s face paled and he mumbled, “Jeez,” jumping up from his chair.

 Miranda’s father took a sip from his coffee cup, adjusting his glasses he asked, “What’s new?”

 Oh not much. I’m just debating on whether to smuggle some cigarettes into the prison for Declan and yes I’m going to visit him. Lisa drank so much she puked in the cab on the way home last night. Oh, and I rubbed oil on a stripper and really kinda liked it. By the way I might be losing my job and going to jail, well that’s if anyone finds out I was taking medications from the pharmacy. And let’s not forget I don’t have enough money to pay my rent. I could be facing bankruptcy and eviction………

 Her Dad knuckled an eye ball before setting his glasses back in place. He looked at her waiting for a response.

  Her shoulders bumped up shrugging as if to indicate nothing much, but just in case he didn’t get the message she voiced, “Not much.” She said, while reaching down to grab the truck.

  Toby glanced up from the floor looking more and more like his Dad. “My truck,” he insisted, before snatching it back.

  Her brother glared at her once more frowning.

  Intervening yet again, her mother announced, “Dinner.”