CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

Susan glanced in the rear view mirror. Nothing. Calm down, calm down. Her hands shook on the steering wheel, expecting to see the police any second now, her eyes searched the rear view mirror again. Maybe the police were already at her house? Should she go to a hotel or leave town? But then what about Declan?
The thin thread of reasoning she’d held to seemed to have snapped, leaving her feeling completely out of control. Her hands wobbled and she stared at them as they locked onto the steering wheel. Whose hands are these? She wondered, still shocked at the act they just committed. It was like her hands belonged to someone else. A stranger or criminal, certainly not her, for she’d never done anything like this before.
Back in the doctor’s office her mind said no. She heard it, clear as a bell. But her hand snaked out anyways. Then a quick knock at the door and it opened revealing the pert nurse asking, “All done?”
Susan nodded her head not trusting herself to speak, and standing on shaky legs the nurse gave her a questioning look. “Are you OK?”
“I’m fine.” She insisted, clearly not.
With her heart in her throat she’d left the building. What in the hell possessed her? She kept waiting for the call. Thief! With every step she took, she expected to hear it. The word rattled in her skull.
Odd, she made it to the car without incident. A moment of panic came when reaching into her purse she couldn’t find the keys. She nearly passed out, so worried she’d left them behind. But no, there they were lying on the bottom of her purse with all her other odds and ends she horded these days. When she pulled the keys free she glimpsed the large white pad and terror seized her again. Her hand trembled violently and she dropped the keys. After retrieving them Susan noticed her key fob was missing. Dam it she’d grabbed the wrong set of keys! With trembling hands she tried inserting the key into the lock. Her hand shook wildly and she missed scratching the paint. “Please, please.” She whimpered, fearing at any moment someone would run from the building yelling, stop that woman! Thief!
With a wild look over her shoulder just in case she saw a young man watching her. “Here let me help.” He offered, taking the keys from her shaking fingers and opening the door for her.
“Thanks,’ she mumbled sliding into the car.
“Bad news?” He questioned.
“Could be.” She affirmed, closing the door and driving away.
Now she was a criminal. Except she wasn’t, Christ she wanted to see Declan on a visit, not be his cell mate! Susan decided it was too risky to go home right now so instead she pulled into the shopping mall. Shopping was something which always seemed to soothe her in the past, but she was way beyond soothing today.
The script in her purse needed filling. She wouldn’t be able to function without it. Need overrode fear and steeling herself for what was to come, she climbed out of the car. The mall doors opened with a loud whoosh and Susan walked through glancing at passersby.
God she hoped she didn’t know anyone. This wasn’t her usual shopping spot, or pharmacy, so she should be OK. There was no way she could fake normal right now. The trembles wouldn’t still and she felt worse than anxious, she felt paranoid. Susan glanced nervously at the passerby’s once again sure they were whispering and pointing at her, somehow aware of the crime she just committed.
A group of young teenagers pressed against her as they passed, snickering and pushing each other one stopped to mumble “sorry” as he passed by her.
Startled she snarled “watch where you’re going!”
The young man retracted his sorry with a one fingered salute as the group passed on by, laughing and twittering, and pushing each other on down the malls corridor.
A pharmacy sign blinked open in bright neon colors up ahead and she stopped sitting on the bench provided for weary shoppers. Should she go in like this? She needed a moment to unwind. Her shoulders sagging against the hard bench and opening her mouth trying to lessen the kink from grinding her back teeth, she sat opening and closing her mouth. Somewhat embarrassed, but not really giving a shit, she imagined what a strange site she must be. A woman, on the edge of hysteria, sitting on a bench looking like a newly landed cod fish. Her jaw popped as it loosened and with deep breaths she tried calming her frazzled nerves while picturing the little white pill. Soon, soon she’d feel better.
“Susan?”
Her eyes popped open and she closed her mouth. Lori stood in front of her with a curious look on her face. Anger flared inside her chest. Of all people why did it have to be Lori? Forcing a smile she said, “Hi Lori.”
“Wow, what are the chances? I don’t see you in forever and then twice in one week.” Lori sat down next to her on the bench and Susan’s heart sunk.
Lori transferred her purchases onto the bench beside her and turned to Susan taking a closer look. “You don’t look so hot. Are you OK?”
“I’m OK. Just run down. I must have caught the flu or something.”
“Oh, Susan! That’s to bad. I can bring over some of my chicken soup, if you like.” Lori said, smiling at the implied memory.
At one time Lori had been a godsend. Declan had been really sick and she’d been up all night. The next morning there was a knock at the door. Barely able to keep her eyes open she’d answered and there was Lori with a big pot of chicken soup and a shoulder to lean on. Together they nursed Declan back to health and finished off the soup.
Susan looked at Lori for a second before shaking her head, “Thanks Lori but I’m good.”
A frown replaced the smile and Lori reached out her hand. “Susan I wish you would let me help.”
Anger flared again. “For Christ’s sakes Lori I don’t need your pity.”
Lori hesitated withdrawing her hand. Her eyes shrewd she searched Susan’s face before asking, “What’s happening to you?”
Not able to play the game she didn’t try. “I would think that would be obvious Lori. Don’t pretend you don’t know. Everybody knows. I’m sure my family has been the topic of neighborly discussion many times. And I’m sick to death of it.”
Lori’s eyes widened. “But what’s happening to you Susan?”
“What do you mean me?”
“You, it’s like you’re not even the same person anymore.”
Jesus what kind of idiot was this woman? “Of course I’m not the same person Lori, she said sarcastically. I don’t live in a fairy tale, like some people I know.”
Lori blinked looking shocked. “You know very well I don’t live in a fairy tale. That was hurtful Susan. The old you would never have said anything like this.”
Susan stared into her old friends wounded eyes. She felt nothing. Not remorse, not guilt, not anything, except suspicious. Her eyes narrowed. “Yeah, well the old me is long gone Lori. She left with the rest of my family.”
Lori rose off the bench rather stiffly and gathering her purchases and shaking her head said, “You need help Susan.” Lori paused, thinking for a moment as if considering saying more. Susan met her eyes and any thought of further conversation resolved.
Susan watched Lori’s retreating back. You’re right about one thing. I do need help.
And entering the pharmacy she went in search of it.