My ‘clean’ birthday is coming soon. I will be 16 years without any drink or drug. I was trying to describe this experience today. Sometimes I forget the overwhelming, early days of being sober. When the only thing on your mind is ‘God, please don’t let me pick up today.’

My first – thirty day clean chip, was probably the most profound.

Profound, because it was like a miracle. There was a time, when I couldn’t get out of bed without having something to help me  get up. If nothing was available I simply stayed in bed until I felt well enough to get out. Sometimes three or four days might pass, occasionally it would cross my mind I was ‘dope sick’ but just as quickly, denial would kick in, minimizing any truth to this reality. You don’t know it at the time, you really don’t, I hadn’t a clue my thinking was diseased, to me, it wasn’t all that strange. Now strange, was everyone else.

It’s amazing how addiction erodes your thinking. Things you said you’d never do, become normal. Dishonest thinking replaces honest thinking. Rationalizing and alibis become a matter of fact. Minimizing the impact addiction has on you, while maximizing others faults becomes a way of arguing and deflection..Blame, resentment and self-pity accompany every conversation. Bullying, threats and manipulation keep others feeding your disease.

These are the essential symptoms of this illness.

Over time the pathways in your brain begin to change. You become less…. you …and more addiction.

You think different. You behave different. You feel different. You are different.

Addiction steals you, bit by bit.

And everyone but you notices.

Little by little you disappear.

But in the wee dark hours, with nowhere to run, you know.

Your mind screams, I miss you. Please come back.

I remember praying for help and when it came, fighting it all the way. 

See I wanted help, but I wanted it on my terms, and of course it was my terms which had gotten me into this predicament.

Thank God I had a family who was willing to play hard-ball, although at the time I hated them for it.

Sixteen years have passed. I know I’m on borrowed time, a time of Grace. A time of divine intervention. Sometime I think I don’t deserve to be this happy, but its fleeting. You know I really didn’t do anything special. I just let others do the thinking for me. Any time I had a ‘good idea’ I ran it by another with far more time in this program than me. They say in 12 step meetings, let others love you until you can love yourself. I say go one step further. Let them think for you too.

I never knew it could be like this.

This is what I used to look for in a drink. Happiness, peace of mind, self-worth, confidence, faith and love.

But when the drink was done it all vanished with the foam in the bottom of the beer glass, leaving me needing more..

My hollowed out, empty place is gone. Joy has replaced it.

I wrote a letter in treatment. A love-letter, saying goodbye to my constant companion. I titled it “I miss you.” I couldn’t imagine life without using back then. Now, I couldn’t imagine it with. Life might not always be easy, but I embrace every moment, and nothing in sobriety, can ever be as bad as living like the walking dead in my addiction. Not much frightens me anymore, except for the idea of relapse, now that scares the living shit out of me. Thankfully I haven’t gone that route, yet But I don’t kid myself, I can’t have just one, or I’ll be right back at it.

I’m so very blessed. I’ve been given the opportunity to live two lives, in one body.

And God willing, so will you

If you think you have a problem, chances are you probably do.
If you want to talk about it, I’m here.