With a little time in it’s easy to forget the devastation addiction wreaked in my life. My clean comfortable bed does not resemble it’s former soiled, sweaty self. My healthy body no longer shakes. My teeth are fixed. My skin is clear. Looking at me you wouldn’t know I was once a hopeless drug addict. I have come far. Yet, I am not cured. There are moments, (fleeting) when I miss getting high. I’d like to feel the buzz again, and the comfort it brings in social gatherings. Although I am content and happy in my sobriety, at times I am envious of the normies who can drink their face off, dabble with drugs and then put them down. At times I miss those intense, chaotic, crazy parties. Not to mention the sense of euphoric belonging I felt, falsified by the copious amounts of liquid courage I poured down my throat. Trouble is, my buzz comes with a truck load of shit I don’t want. I need to remember, I don’t have a stop button. If I pick up the buzz, I pick up the consequences. A few hours of buzz – liquid, powder or pills – and the buzz will wear off. But the shame won’t. Now I’m back to feeling like a big fat loser, chasing more, who just broke a lot of hearts. That’s IF I’m lucky. Many of us pick up the buzz, and end up dead. If you’re missing the buzz, it’s normal. Play the tape ALL the way through. Don’t stop at the buzz. You can’t stay buzzed forever. I/We all have another relapse in us. Sometimes I can feel it, hiding, lurking in the dark recesses of my mind just waiting to pounce. I never want to forget how sick I was, or that this illness is cunning, baffling and powerful. Scarier still, it’s patient.

(c) 2014 Jagged Little Edges All Rights Reserved

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3 comments

  1. Ann

    Hi I’m Ann
    My daughter is a 15 year drug addict who has been in 5-6 rehabs, hospitals (more in the past year than not with septicemia and all its complications) and jail now going on I think 4 times. In the paddle three years her addiction and behavior have escalated beyond comprehension and how she is still alive walking this earth is truly a wonder. She spent 6 weeks from June to August being treated again for septic infection… With the help of others on these online groups I was able to secure a bed in rehab ministry for women far from her usual people places and things…after she played her games with them and wasted their time and mine she walked out and made her way back to her familiar “surroundings.”
    Now she’s in jail for fraud and calling everyday saying she’s ready to change… a dialogue I have heard one time too many…I am having great difficulty with this ever present daily unrelenting situation. She’s in jail asking for help…but is that sincere??? I will not bail her out… that is a firm solid boundary I established a while back…also have set firm limits on how much money I will put on her account… been down that road to this past January…what should my help look like at this point…I am tired of dealing with her…I don’t like even talking to her, and don’t believe she will change…but at the same time feel so bad for her. I can hear the desperation, anger, low self worth and sadness in her voice…. she is my only family and I hers…I could use some help navigating through this… naranon meetings are just not enough and though the message to focus on myself is well heard I love my daughter and it’s killing me to see this happening to her… how do I focus on myself when someone I love needs help yet helping them is so damn hard and tricky?

  2. jos

    i am a 31 year old mother
    have a 9 yr old daugther and im addicted to heroin and ready to quit hurt as many people as i possibly can i dont want to die and everyone around me is..im scared i need help with finding and being able to afford treatment also care for my daugther while im away,other than that…i wanna believe im ready to start living…before its to late..

    • Lorelie

      You just took a big step in the right direction. Private message me on Facebook for more resources. Best wishes!