I am not your parent, or spouse, or friend.
I am your CHILD.
Only you don’t parent me anymore.
You don’t care about me.
You only care about getting high.
You LOVE getting high.
You will do ANYTHING to get high.
You NEED to get high…
and you step over me to do it.
When you look at me, YOU DON’T SEE ME.
You see a responsibility you don’t want.
You don’t care that I’m sad.
You don’t care if you lie to me.
You don’t care if you break promises.
You don’t care there’s no food in the cupboards.
You don’t care about anything, except GETTING HIGH.
I used to think you would change.
I tried to be a good girl.
I believed you would love me more than drugs.
But I was WRONG!
Something cold and dead slithers within you.
I feel it every time I’m near you.
I CRY everyday.
But my tears have no effect on you at all.
You were supposed to keep me safe…
but you’re KILLING me.
I pull my hair
I cut my arms
I don’t eat
I question my worth.
I question my value.
You choose DRUGS over me!!!
My heart is broken.
Am I not good enough?
I feel a pain no child should ever experience.
It’s like you’re DEAD
only your body still breathes.
You are oblivious to everything.
You have no integrity or values.
Your morals are a thing of the past.
You will say anything,
and hurt anyone,
to get your next FIX.
You have a HUNGER.
It’s calculating and manipulative, and it OWNS you.
You promise this time, will be the LAST time.
You promise to spend time with me.
You promise to pay the rent.
But you never do.
Your promises mean NOTHING.
You never GIVE.
You only TAKE.
I feel sick and anxious inside.
I worry about YOU all the time.
I try to help you.
I don’t tell you how sad I am.
Or how much it hurts me to see other kids with their Dads.
If we keep going like this, one or both of us will die.
You from an overdose that your parents paid for,
and me from a broken heart.
I’ve kept your secrets and protected your lies.
I loved you to the exclusion of EVERYONE else.
I have grown up way to fast.
And now I feel UGLY inside.
I hide from my friends and isolate.
I feel responsible for everyone I meet.
I don’t trust people.
Sometimes I HATE…
My world revolves around one thing only.
PAIN, PAIN and more PAIN.
You USE drugs to cope with your ANXIETY
and one day,
I might too.
We are both so MESSED up.
As long as YOU have ME to parent you, WE are doomed.
But there is HOPE.
Will I be strong enough to reach out for help and tell someone?
Will I learn to say NO and set boundaries with you?
Will I ever believe your addiction is not my fault?
Will I LOVE you enough to tell you how I really feel, and stop protecting you?
Will I l LOVE me enough to believe I am worthy of a loving Father?
I lay trapped within the confines of this cold dark, family-addiction, and I am… DYING.