Dear Mom and Dad,
Words can’t describe how sorry I am. I put you in a position no parent should ever face. I left – before you. I can only imagine your agony. I know you’re angry, despairing and sad, all at the same time. If only you could reach back in time and pluck me from the path I’d chosen, but you can’t. You never could. God knows, you tried. I wasn’t utterly oblivious to all you did for me. I always believed I had time and the truth is I was too dammed smart for my own good.
I underestimated the power of my disease.
I know you tried to tell me this. But I wouldn’t listen. When I began abusing drugs, I grew desensitized. I thought I was immortal. I liked living on the edge. I felt so alive! Drugs filled a place in me that nothing else could.
When I was high, I was King!. When I was sober, I was just, well, me. Maybe that was part of the problem. I never did feel right about being me. I always needed something more. I liked nice things. I wanted the best. I hated waiting for anything. When I wanted something, it was all I could think about until I got it, and then, I wanted something else. There were times I felt guilty for the stress I put you through. But it was fleeting. The burning need inside me was more significant than anything else. This need had no conscience, integrity, or morals.
There wasn’t anything you could have said or done to prevent this from happening. I thought I knew it all. Death by overdose was something that happened to other people. Foolish people. People who didn’t know shit about using. It wouldn’t happen to me, no way, no how, not ever.
You begged me to stop. I tuned you out. Your words were like wasps in my ears. Although they stung, they were nothing more than an annoying buzz. When you cried, I cringed. When you put your arms around me, I wanted away from you. But there is no back. There is only forward. Please bring me forward.
Please don’t blame yourself, or me. It will only make things worse. We did the best we could. You must believe this. If you don’t, we will all stay stuck, and that would be a tragedy.
Take the love you have for me and put it into the rest of our family. Every time you want to hug me, grab one of them. Then it will be like I’m part of the hug. Give us a great big squeeze, and I promise, I’ll feel it all the way up in heaven.
I hope you find peace in knowing I’m free in a way, I never was before.
Up here, there is no addiction. There is only love.
The kind of love that is greater than any of us will ever know, below.
You might tell yourself that I’m gone. But you’re wrong. I’m right here.
I’m the wind on your face, and the stars in the sky. I’m the raindrops falling outside your bedroom window. I’m the song of a bird and the dawn of each new morning. I’m the clouds and the sun and the waves in the ocean.
We will never part from one another. For love breathes life EVEN in death.
I am flesh of your flesh.
Stand still, and you will feel me.
Love always, your child.