“Hell isn’t a place we’re going to, if we’re bad. Hell is a place we live, every day.” Lorelie Rozzano.
The shrill ringing of the phone had me bolting up in bed. My heart is racing. As I reach to pick it up, I remind myself to breathe. I handle the receiver as if it’s a deadly viper. I loathe it. The phone never brings good news. Only bad news and worse. I hope this isn’t worse. I place the phone to my ear, silently praying. Please God, please. I wait with baited breath. My world has just shrunk to me and the phone.
“Mom?”
My throat loosens as a whoosh of air escapes me. He’s alive.Tears blur my vision. I angrily swat them away.
“Mom?”
Anger replaces fear, as I glance at the clock. 3 am. My heart sinks at yet another sleep deprived night.
“Mom!” My son yells.
“What!” I yell back.
My husbands stirs and sits up. Rubbing his eyes he moans, “not again!”
I push him back down. I got this. Besides, I don’t want him interfering. I know how to handle our son.
“Mom,” Jack sobs. “You’re never gonna believe what just happened.”
My heart sinks. I pull up the bed covers wondering if I should just hang up. Well, I’m not really wondering, I know I should. Jack’s 3 am tales are never a good thing.
“Mom, are you even listening to me?” Jack has morphed back in time. He is six years old and about to have a temper tantrum.
I scrub my eyes, still wondering what to do. There are no good choices. I am dammed if I do, and sick with worry, if I don’t.
“Jesus Mom!” Jack gears up, his tone shrill. “What kind of mother are you?. They’re gonna kill me, I swear! Don’t you even care?”
Jack wanted to pull me back into the – you don’t care about me game – I wasn’t going to play. Instead I said. “Jack, let’s cut to the chase. What do you want?”
Jack snorted. “Wow, Mom! That’s nice. Do you even care they’re gonna kill me?”
Something cold and hard blossoms in the pit of my chest. It might be despair, or exhaustion, or just plain hopelessness. Jack and I have been down this road a thousand times before.
‘You know that guy that I was helping?” Jack is off. He should be an actor. He is believable. I should know, I’ve fallen for his lines a million times.
“What guy?” I ask playing my part, because I don’t know what else to do.
“Jesus Mom! Haven’t you been listening? The guy that was sleeping on my couch! Well he’s gone and he took all my money, with him!”
I bit my tongue. I had too. There was so much I wanted to say. I knew this imaginary character didn’t take my son’s money. My son spent his money. Most likely on drugs.
“So anyway,” Jack rushed on, “I kinda, well, Mom…” He trailed off, waiting. He wanted me to urge him, to finish his sentence.
I didn’t. I stayed silent.
“Mom?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“It’s pretty bad.” He warned me.
“Jack, it’s late. Can this wait til morning?”
“Mom!” Jack screeched. “I’ll be dead by morning!”
I pulled the phone away from my ear. I held it to my pounding chest. I wanted my son to hear it. The distress I was in was unbelievable. Sometimes I thought my heart would explode. BANG! At least it would be over.
A tear slipped down my cheek. Was this ever going to end? A horrible thought entered my mind. Yes, when you or he is dead. Then it will end.
I wondered if other mothers planned their son’s funerals. I did. I looked at caskets and thought about what I would say. I yearned for peace, and I’d know where to visit him. He wouldn’t be suffering any more, and I could finally grieve the loss of my son.
I shook my head. I hated these thoughts.
“I need a hundred bucks!” Jack yelled, bringing me back.
I sighed. I glance over at my husband. He had fallen back to sleep. Something hot and bitter filled my throat. How could he sleep, for Christ’s sake?
With the phone pressed to my ear, I got of of bed. Might as well. I wouldn’t be going back to sleep again.
“Where are you Jack?”
“I’m outside my apartment. I don’t want to go home til I get the money. They know where I live. I promised I would have it for them tonight and if I don’t.- Jack stopped abruptly.
“Jack?”
“Sshh, Mom.” He warned. “I think they’re here.
Alarm slammed through me. My logical mind knew they was probably someone Jack had made up. But my emotions over rode logic at the thought of my son being harmed, or worse yet, killed.
Holding tightly to the phone – it had gone from being a deadly viper to a life saving ring – I dressed. Grabbing my purse and keys I headed for the door. “Okay Jack,” I soothed. “I’m on my way. Meet me in front of your place.”
“Thanks Mom. You don’t know what this means.” Jack purred. He was such a charmer when he was getting his way.
I think it was his charm, I was addicted to. Gone was the exhaustion. I felt like I could fly. I had hope. I was saving my baby!
“And Mom?” Jack asked in that ‘one more thing’ voice, I hated.
“What honey?” I said rather impatiently.
“Could you bring an extra twenty bucks? I’m kinda hungry.”
As if someone had pricked my balloon, all the feel good air was gone. I was back at angry. How dare he ask me for another twenty bucks! Jack was selfish. Nothing was ever good enough. He always wanted more! Couldn’t he see what he was doing to me?
Torn between wanting to help him and hating his disease, I stand in a land where no mother should ever dwell.
Hell isn’t a place we’re going to, if we’re bad.
Hell is something an addict’s Mom lives with, every day.
Lorelie Rozzano.
Lisa
.. reads like my story
Lorelie
You’re not alone <3
Lori Martell
If you are living this life, please, please do whatever you have to, to get your child help. Don’t wait!!! I lived this life & now my son is gone. My son passed on June 19, 2015. I will never be the same. I wish I could have done things different. My Phillip was in Jail, my husband and I bailed him out on
June 17, 2015, believing he was innocent for what he was away for. 2 days later he died. He thought he could just do it again one more time. His words to his fiance were after this, we will get our lives back on the right path. That one last time could be there last time forever!!! Please, please reach out to someone if you have a child that needs help, or you are in need of help!!
Karen
Sounds as if I was talking to my son just like Michelle said, the more I gave the more he wanted and had the nerve to ask for! I thank God everyday for saving my sons life in his way and time❤️
Michelle
Thank you for sharing this …. my heart was beating fast as I read, as though I was on the phone with my son. …. this sentiment hit me really hard: …. and I could finally grieve the loss of my son.
He is still on this earth but I’ve lost the son I bore and it hurts so very, very much. So many dreams … broken.
renee
The disease is killing me, my only daughter has this terrible disease and I watch it destroy her alittle more every day. The life we once had is no longer. The hell of an existence we now live is day to day, and at times minute to minute. I will never give up the fight, but I hate the disease and the many people who don’t care to understand it. The cruel people who judge them and the poor families who have to endure it until the addict is ready to quit.
Kathi
Although I do not get the 3AM phone calls (yet?) my child has started the disappearing act and left her father and I with her 5 year old daughter who doesn’t understand where her mommy is. My heart is forever broken. This is so new to us, and we don’t know if our child is dead or alive… I was so touched by your story. I feel the exact same way and felt like you were talking from inside my head, saying how I feel at this very moment and every waking moment since this nightmare started. God Bless our children and God Bless the mothers, fathers, children, siblings, and anyone else who loves an addict.
Grace
I have been there. The stories my son told were so believable, and I fell for it every time. The one time they were going to kill me since he had their money stolen, it just never ended.
Well, he got arrested and I left him in jail. Best thing I have ever done as hard as it was for me to see him like that, crying he does not belong there.
He has been sober since then, 2 years now. I have my son and he is thriving, by the grace of god.
What I went through for 6 years is to some unimaginable, others that are in the shoes I wore understand. It is a rough battle, and I pray you and your son make it out.
Stephanie Sinagra
Thank you for sharing this. I live in the same plane of existence… it is unbearable having a child with this disease. We can’t hate the person… but we CAN hate the disease
carol l
I have been through this with my stepson, not as bad though. But the 3am calls and the stories. You cling on to the hope that help is around the corner and he’ll accept.
Jean
Yep, it’s my story too, again and again and again. Does it ever end?
Dewayne Bryant
II’ve been an addict for 30 years for the last year I’ve become a iV user ive been having hallucinations of my uncle sitting at the foot of my bed he sexually abused me for 5 years from the age of 6 to 11 its cause me to refuse to go sleep cause of the fear I have of him he was like my father to the point were that he and did everything with me that a father should do my dad was a workaholic it was a very good provider but wasn’t there as a father when I need him he justified it as being a good supporter which I do not hold any resentment to him today but what my uncle did put a lot of fear and confusion in my heart and mind and now At 43 I cannot get over itI’m having a lot of repress vivid memories causing a lot of problems in my life in America today to the point to where I’m just want to give up and starting to have a lot of crazy thoughts in my head that scare me a lot I’m begging for help but where I live in Roanoke Virginia there are no treatment facilities to help unless you have paid insurance which I did not I feel like my hands are tied and I don’t know what to do I’m begging for help and I want to take the first step but the resources are just not here and my marriage is on the rocks and I’m causing a lot of problems in it because of my addiction I would love to have a piece of mind and a normal life but I don’t know what to do are there any type of resources in the United States they can help cause of the financial situation that I have please if there’s anyone you read this That knows of a way that can help me im begging any advice is greatly appreciated
Stephanie Sinagra
NA is a worldwide program that is extremely effective and life long. Go online and do a little research. There are no dues to pay, no promises to make…just the desire to stop using. And you could probably find a meeting and literature close to your home…or even online. What you can’t do alone, we can do together. Be well. Stephanie Sinagra, Addict and Mother to an Addict
Kathy
I live the same way. Are all addicts the same? I have heard the same thing over and over. Praying for you and your son.
Natalie
I don’t feel so alone knowing that there are other moms that feel the exact same way.
Melanie
This is my story….. 🙁
Leslie
This story is eery…have you been in my house? I’m speechless…