I NEED a clean Dad . A daughter’s perspective.

I am not your parent, or spouse, or friend. I’m your CHILD! Only you don’t parent me anymore. You don’t care about me. Not in the way you used too. You care about getting high. You WANT to get high. You will do ANYTHING to get high. You LOVE getting high. You NEED to get high… and you will step over me to do it.
When you look at me, you don’t see ME. You see a responsibility you no longer want. All you want is money. I don’t have any. End of story. Mom can’t pay the rent. You don’t care if we need groceries. You don’t care if you promised to never use again. You don’t care if you lie to me. You don’t care if we’re broke. You steal our rings, sell our electronics, max out Mom’s credit cards, or ask me to borrow money from Mom, because if I don’t, YOU will steal it.
You WILL do anything, to get HIGH.
I used to think I could CHANGE you, or SAVE you. If only I was a better little girl, maybe you would love me enough to stop. But I was WRONG! Something cold and dead slithers within you. You no longer respond to love, or truth. I CRY all the time. But you don’t care. You have no integrity or values. Your morals are a thing of the past. You will say anything, do anything, and hurt anyone, to get your next FIX.
Although I might play the game with you, make no mistake. I play it because I don’t want to upset you. I play it, because I’m scared you’ll use more DOPE. I will say WHATEVER you want to hear, I will promise you the world, I will look you in the eye, and I WILL hide your drugs… over and over again. It seems like I feel YOUR pain. You don’t feel anything, any more. You have a HUNGER. It’s calculating and manipulative, and it OWNS me.
In a strange way I’m thankful for your hunger. It helps me feel needed. When you’re upset I find YOU, quick! Then when I’ve helped you in some way, I can sleep. You’re anxious without DOPE. You always promise this time, will be the LAST time. You promise to buy food, and pay our rent. But you never do. Your promises mean NOTHING. You never GIVE. You only TAKE.
By now, my NEED is almost as great as yours.
My head won’t shut up. I worry about YOU all the time.
I think I’m helping you. I believe I’m making a difference, but what I’m really helping, is your ADDICTION.
You won’t tell me that, but I know it, deep down.
If we keep going like this, one or both of us will die. You from an overdose that Mom or your parents paid for, and me from a broken heart.
I’ll wait YEARS for you to change, or see the light, and you take full advantage of it.
I will keep your secrets and protect your lies. I will clean up your messes and bail you out.
I protect you to the exclusion of EVERYONE else.
I will change, and grow up WAY to fast. I will become bitter and resentful. I will hide from my friends and isolate. I will feel overly responsible for everyone I meet. I will never trust people and I will HATE.
My world will revolve around one thing only – the pain YOU caused me.
You USE drugs to cope with your ANXIETY and one day, I might too. We are both so MESSED up.
As long as YOU have ME to parent you, WE are doomed. But there is HOPE.
Can I dig deep enough to find the COURAGE that lies within me, to STOP this insanity? Will my LOVE ever become greater than my FEAR? Would I be strong enough to reach out for help and tell someone? Anyone? Will I learn to say NO? Will I ever believe this is not my fault? Will I allow you to experience the consequences of your actions? Will I LOVE you enough to tell you how I really feel, and stop helping you’re ADDICTION?
I said I would do anything for you, but will I tell you the truth?
I’m trapped within the confines of this cold dark, family-addiction, and I am… DYING.
Lorelie Rozzano.

(c) 2014 Jagged Little Edges All Rights Reserved

Leave a Reply

2 comments

  1. Miss Obvious, Your words are beautiful and uplifting. I NEED you SOBER is the 2nd in a series, I NEED to get HIGH, being the first. You nailed it! Everything you described I did and have experienced. Then I passed on to my kids, what was passed on to me. It’s a viscious cycle and you can’t do better, until you know different. I especially resonated with this – “You see, when you get older you get better at stuffing away and forgetting the feelings you so openly share today. You become numb, and your first twenty years become father and father away from you, almost like a fuzzy photograph. You do what you have to survive, so you make sarcastic jokes and feel strange when people get close to you. You don’t know why but you can’t trust, are on guard all the time that someone may want something from you.”
    I still struggle letting people ‘all the way in’ today, and I know my children do also.
    But it’s baby steps. Right? Truth is, we’ve all come a long way. That’s why I write. So others can too.
    THANK YOU for taking the time to respond! <3

  2. I am a mother to two young girls, but right now just pretend in some dream of a life that I am your mom too. Somewhere in the world, right now your mom wants to drive in the middle of the night to wherever you are, scoop you in my arms, even if you are twice my size. I am going to hold you and let you sob all of this pain and I will listen, for however long you take, until you are exhausted and fall asleep. I am going to put a soft blanket on your lap, pay every bill you should not even know exists, hide every worry and heartache from your sight so you can feel safe. You won’t know how or what gets paid or when, because all you know is waking up to a good breakfast, day after day. You will think about for one magical day what other children think about, like going to shop for new clothes,busy texting friends, cheerful and light.
    Your prayers will all be answered and finally, you will not know what feeling like dying is. You will refer to dying when not allowed to date a boy twice your age. Dope is only a reference, for you don’t know anyone who actually has it, buys it, or uses it.
    There is no one to save. You don’t need to be saved. You are finally safe.
    Now, I know that is a fantasy but you are more than a blog floating in internet space to me. You are the voice of my young self.
    You see, when you get older you get better at stuffing away and forgetting the feelings you so openly share today. You become numb, and your first twenty years become father and father away from you, almost like a fuzzy photograph. You do what you have to survive, so you make sarcastic jokes and feel strange when people get close to you. You don’t know why but you can’t trust, are on guard all the time that someone may want something from you.
    You hear about love, you think you have felt it, but you aren’t sure, and you can’t figure out why.
    Now, as a mom, I want you to listen up and listen good. You can’t change these god forsaken circumstances you were born in. Nothing is your fault. You should feel angry and robbed of a missing childhood. You are raising your own parents and that is unforgivable.
    Sweetheart, life whether it makes sense or not, is about our choices. You can choose to go the path of your father, which I did all through my 20’s, become an addict, and I won’t lie to you. It will feel good for awhile. You may even feel free and like the world is in your hands, that broken heart is gone you will tell yourself, believing the trick that drugs or alcohol first bring.
    Then, you will become that serpent you see in your father, dead inside, hurting innocent people, and like him, you won’t care either. Then you will loathe and hate yourself for becoming him and getting clean will be the journey of your entire lifetime. If you do get clean, IF you get clean, then you begin the years and years of dealing with all those feelings you drowned, the ones you feel right now. They will all come back, like a lightning bolt but you will have no practice at handling them. The anxiety you feel now is nothing compared to being an adult with possible children, marriages, lost relationships and a long train of destruction behind you with no clue how to live sober. It will terrify you.
    Or, you can never touch drugs or alchohol, fight to do everything perfect, to become nothing like him, or her. You will have every thing in your life under tight lock and control. So you think.
    You could now play the role of your mother, which I also did, in my marriage, and several other relationships. You see, if you take these feelings and decide never to feel them again you are promising to create exact relationships that will make you deal with them, like it or not. Sure, you may get through without a divorce, unlike me, but your children will play out in front of you the sick childhood you now have. You will live and relive it over and over, but worse, through their eyes, the children you promised would never know the pain you had. They will blame you and hate you and have sick and sad bleeding hearts and broken souls, and it will be all your fault.
    But, maybe there is another choice.
    I want you to look at your father and imagine this same cycle repeating through 30-40 years of living, over and over you give and give. You sacrifice every opportunity, every savings account, all your well earned money and car to let him live with you, so he can deplete you until death.
    Imagine 30 more years of broken promises, everything you give or do for him only makes his soul darker. Your faith and hope will now be foolish, for now you have created a monster. That monster has destroyed himself and you let him destroy you too..
    I know that is intense, but you have to rethink to break this cycle. It is hard at first to break a cycle, almost like steering a big ship. It takes all the energy and effort in the world to turn that big wheel, but I promise you, the CHOICE to choose yourself, rather it feels good or not, will still turn the ship around.
    YOu won’t know it at first because small steps never feel good, on top of all these hurt feelings, plus now you will have to deal with the reactions of those around you. They will not like this new person. They want the girl who played the role, the one who sacrificed her whole self, the one who believed their lies, again and again. This new girl will not feed the monster, the hungry, drooling, insane with hunger monster. It will be new and scary. Your mother will not want to see her choices, the life she made for you, a life selfish and wrong shown to her. It will bring up her own feelings, the ones she hid away, so you will have to remember not to take it personal. She knows it isn’t your fault. She loves you but somewhere, she got lost.
    You are going to have to now CHOOSE to learn how to parent yourself. NOT the monster, not the mother, but yourself. You will have to say no, and they will manipulate you to feel guilt, but you don’t have time for their guilt, their addictions. You don’t need to worry about shelter, for you are making CHOICES to make your life better. Maybe you need to start working on a plan to support yourself, talk to friends or social workers for ideas where you might be able to stay for awhile as you feed the monster less and less.
    The world will open up to you and reveal all forms of love you never knew when you were too busy feeding the monster.
    Think about the days getting shorter and shorter, easier and easier like a marathon, and this isn’t just a race, it’s your life.
    You can educate yourself, seek comfort in little things while they create all kinds of havoc, write because you are beautiful at it, dream about that day you are free of those feelings you know means dying. Today is the first day to a new you and come read this every time you need reminding. Today is the worst it will ever be because from now forward you are going to heal, and your future is beautiful. You have lots of love to give and receive, and your partner is waiting to show you true love, your children will need a mommy who is present, full of joy.
    Believe me, I have wrecked enough of my life to know. I am 36, divorced, die every time I give them to their dad during the week. I have been homeless, abused, terrified, and my CHOICE to move forward and heal has cost me. But, I have seen the beauty in doing as I say, kicking a parent out as a grownup, being treated like the devil for wanting to attend school, being alienated for years, and it hurt. Still hurts. Not feeding the monster is not the easiest choice, but I get to see my children freed from the cycle. I get to see my life become independent, more fearless, and some nights, I even feel peace.
    Imagine if I had done it at your age?
    They are going down love regardless of anything you do, say, pray, fight, or plead. DO NOT go down too. You can be the shining light, the beacon of hope I always wished I could have been, but now choose to be.
    SHINE.
    They stole today and all the years before, but your future, your soul, do they have a right to that too?
    CHOOSE you. I hold you in my heart and will continually look for your writing.