I’m your child, or spouse, or friend. I come from all walks of life and I AM… back! I don’t belong to drugs any more. I don’t care about them. Not in the way I used too. I care about getting clean. I WANT to get clean. I will do ANYTHING to get clean. I LOVE being clean. I NEED to get clean… and I will step over my using friends to do it. When I look at drugs, I don’t see fun. I see DEATH. I used to take your money, now I won’t. End of story. I CARE if you can’t pay the rent. I CARE if you need groceries. I CARE about the promises I make. I CARE if you lie to Dad. I CARE if you’re broke. Keep your rings, pay off your loans, keep your electronics, pay down your credit cards. I WILL get a job and find a way to help. I WILL pay you back. I WILL make amends. You thought you could CHANGE me, or SAVE me. But you can only LOVE me. A POWER GREATER than the both of us, is in charge. Something warm and ALIVE flutters within me. I respond to love and truth. You can CRY all you want. I care. Your tears are healing. I should know. I’ve cried buckets of them. I have integrity and values. My morals are important. I will say anything, do anything, and reach out to anyone, to get CLEAN. Although I have played the game with you, make no mistake. I play it no more. I won’t say whatever you want to hear, I won’t promise you the world, I WILL tell you the truth. I will look you in the eye, and I’ll try not to break your heart… ever again. I don’t feel your pain. I feel mine. My heart has thawed. I have HOPE. It’s energizing and life-giving, and it FEEDS me. In a strange way you’re resentful. This new life of mine keeps me dependant on my recovery group. When I’m thinking about my next fix, I find them, quick! Then when I’ve talked it out, I leave. You’re anxious without me. You phone me and offer to buy my food, or pay my rent. You LIVE to GIVE. By now, you’re NEED has become greater than mine. I can’t stay HEALTHY without my recovery group. You can’t breathe without hearing from me. When you offer ‘to do’ for me, you think you’re helping. You believe you’re making a difference, but what you’re really helping… is for me to RELAPSE. I will tell you that, and you know it, deep down. We can’t go on like this. BOTH of us have to change. I can’t take your help now. I’m afraid you will die from anxiety, or a heart attack, or stroke, when I tell you NO. You’ve waited YEARS for me to change, and see the light. Now it’s your turn. Will you PLEASE reach out for help? You don’t have to keep my secrets, or protect my lies anymore. I run an honest program. There are no more messes to clean up. You don’t need to bail me out. Please quit loving me to the exclusion of EVERYONE else. You’ve changed, becoming bitter and resentful. Please don’t hide from your friends and isolate. Ask for HELP. I did. It saved my life. I want that for you too. Your world revolves around one thing only… ME! I USED to use drugs to cope with my ANXIETY, now I use GOD and the steps. We were both so MESSED up. As long as I have YOU to enable me, WE are doomed. But there is HOPE. Can you dig deep enough to find the COURAGE that lies within you, to STOP this insanity? Will your LOVE ever become greater than your FEAR? Would you be strong enough to reach out? Will you learn to say HELP? Will you allow me to experience the consequences of my actions? Will you LOVE me enough to feel your OWN emotional discomfort? Will you stop enabling MY addiction, and start coping with YOUR feelings? You say you would do anything for me, but will you go to an Al-anon meeting? I’m no longer trapped within the confines of this cold dark, serpent – addiction.
Today, I am… FREE.