Enabling might not come in tablet form, but don’t kid yourself. It’s a powerful drug, and one that provides INSTANT relief. Enabling eases guilt …at least temporarily. The problem is guilt, anxiety, and fear, don’t stay gone. They come back, bigger and meaner than they were before. The FIX? More enabling, and so the cycle begins. Enabling is a self-serving act. It has nothing to do with caring for the addict. The enabler suffers from delusion and believes they are helping the addict. But what they’re really doing is mood-altering, or avoiding their own emotional discomfort by saying NO, when NO, is the right thing to say.
Addiction and enabling are a progressive illness. Without help they get worse, not better, over time.
Family members who enable do it because it feels good. Just as the addict or alcoholic takes a drink for relief. The enabler co-aides their addict, and a sick – needy, compulsive relationship begins. This relationship changes over time. The addict is CONSUMED by their substance. The enabler is CONSUMED by their addict. The enabler needs to feel in control. The addict needs to feel high. Both parties experience the effects of their illness. Loss of hope. Isolation. Financially unstable. Weight gain or loss. Loss of relationships. Marriage breakdown. Divorce. Fractured family system. Loss of job. Ulcers. Migraines. Depression. High blood pressure. Heart attack. Stroke. Insomnia. Nervous breakdown. Contemplating suicide. Contemplating homicide.
The addict cannot stay sick without the enabler. The enabler cannot stay sick without the addict. They need each other to continue living in this insanity.
Both live by the mantra, ‘Just one more time.’ Both addicts and enablers make decisions based on ‘impaired’ or wishful thinking.
The enabler thinks they can FIX the addict. The addict just wants their next FIX.
Neither enabler nor addict is powerful enough to FIX another person. But they can change themselves. Addiction requires an enabling system. It can’t stay sick without one. Whether you’re an enabler or an addict, you need help. Without help you simply continue doing the same things that got you into this mess. Enablers often state they would die for their addict, but I wonder will they live for them? Don’t wait for someone else to change. Be the change. The only thing worse than one person suffering from addiction, is two.
Kim
OMG this is so me it’s scary!! I do need help I was an enabler with my alcoholic ex husband and now I am doing it with my heroin addict son. Please tell me where I can get help with this terrible problem. Do you know if al anon can help?
Lorelie
Kim can you pm me on face book? I can give you the number for a confidential support line.
Lorelie
Hi Kim,
Al anon can help. Check out 6 meetings and see for yourself. Reaching outside the your circle of family is crucial!
Best of luck!
tracy
Thank you, u really needed to see this…
Isabel
As the mother of a heroin user..it is difficult for myself not to be an enabler..in one sense…tough love is extremly hard..I dont want to see my son behind bars..dead…Im so confused as to what I do for him..I do know that death is knocking at his door…its sad..Yes he needs help as well as I
Lisa Neumann
Thank you for this post today. I have gotten to thinking that enabling is another word for disabling. I am disabling someone when I do for them what they could be doing for them-self. However, I too, get caught in the learning curve at times. Just yesterday I saw this with a client and I see clearly today that I need to let her go. Thanks for the timely read. xox Lisa
Lorelie
Hi Lisa, working in this field ceratinly does encourage us to practice what we preach, and for that I’m very thankful! It is so EASY to get sucked back in! I really like your analogy of enabling and disabling. Have a great week!
JOyce MCEwan
After reading Jagged little edges it gave me a differfent perspective concerning enabling. After so many years of enabling I have my strengths and weaknesses, i can be so strong at times that i almost think I have overcome my enabling habits,then only to reallize its knocking at my door again. My heart is heavy right now and I Am dIscouraged.
Lorelie
Joyce what you describe happens to all of us. Two steps forward, one step back. Please know there are better days ahead. This too shall pass. Keep reaching out for support!